Position: Midfield

Age: 25

Appearances: 0 (4)

Goals: 1

Star Ratings: 0 

Brother of fellow Boro midfielder Jack Thompson, Jo is a fantastic midfielder with a great engine and a superb appetite for the game.  Jo's versatility is testament to his all round game and is fast becoming the teams Mr Reliable having filled in a number of positions already without breaking his stride.  Is also a handy player with a cue having won this years MSS Pool tournament down in London defeating all comers.

If he was a Boro player, he would be: Robbie Mustoe

Position: Defender

Age: 23

Appearances: 12 (1)

Goals: 1

Star Ratings: 3

Red Cards: 0

Yellow Cards: 2

Eddie is a young full back by trade and also the teams Wealth Manager, although I think he made that job title up himself.  Comfortable and intelligent on the ball, Eddie is renowned for his superior fitness and once ran so much he went straight off the pitch to be sick during a match.  Scored twice last season against London Scottish in an unfamiliar left back role and also scored a last minute equaliser at the Riverside Stadium in the Sir Bobby Robson Foundation Charity Match.  Eddie also delivers a good set piece, will be a key asset as the season progresses.

If he was a Boro player, he would be: Neil Cox

Position: Defender / Midfielder

Age: 30

Appearances: 6 (2)

Goals: 0

Star Ratings: 0

Ashley is a big strong lad with a great left foot and a good engine. Comfortable at left back or left midfield, Ashleys deliveries from the flanks could be a key feature this season.  Not so good at reading instructions though and often ends up 25 miles away from where we're supposed to be playing, if he can sort this out he should become a key player.  For all his talents cannot take a throw in and drives the team mad with his strange windmill throws, probably learnt from watching too much WWF.

If he was a Boro player, he would be: Franck Queudrue

Position: Defender

Age: 35

Appearances: 5

Goals: 1

Star Ratings: 0

Red Cards: 0

Yellow Cards: 0

Matt is the team captain and had a clean sweep of the manager and player of the year awards last year and barely missed a game in an outstanding season.  An excellent defender who knows the game inside out having played at semi professional level for 17 years, the same amount of time that Jordan Lees has been alive.  His versatility makes him a key asset and can play anywhere across the defence or even as a striker but played most of last season at centre back.  His experience will be vital again this year in Boro's title challenge.

Has the look of a serial killer.  Can beat Chuck Norris in an arm wrestle.

Celebrity Lookalike: Jack Nicholson in the Shining

Position: Defender

Age: 32

Appearances: 5 (5)

Goals: 1

Star Ratings: 1

Red Cards: 0

Yellow Cards: 0

The versatile defender is another great addition to the squad this season.  John is quick, strong, reads the game well and isn't afraid to put his food or his head in where it hurts, should go on to have a great season.  Known for his stints on the Karaoke, will be difficult to drag off the microphone at the end of season celebrations. 

Celebrity Lookalike: Robbie Williams

Position: Midfield

Age: 28

Appearances: 9 (2)

Goals: 5

Star Ratings: 4 

Red Cards: 0

Yellow Cards: 0

The teams stylist and experienced tailor, loves the turn up and red socks combination and is the only player to come close to Clarky in the fashion stakes. A great passer of the ball and with a great engine, he would be the complete player if he didn’t vanish mysteriously for months and pretend to lose his mobile phone every week.  Thinks he’s posh because he comes from Egglescliffe, will probably tell you its Yarm.

Position: Striker

Age: 27

Appearances: 13

Goals: 18

Star Ratings: 9

Red Cards: 0

Yellow Cards: 0

Jona has had a distinguished early career at several professional clubs before giving up football after leaving Norton in the Northern League. The portly striker was Boro's joint top goalscorer last season with 15 goals in 16 games and also grabbed the two goals which won Boro the first trophy in their 36 year history at Hayes and Yeading Football Club.  The stocky bandy legged striker is expected to be the teams top scorer this season. Has a fetish for dwarves and people with tiny hands and spends more time on the FMTTM message-board than Rob Nichols.  A real fans favourite. 

Celebrity Lookalike: Danny Devito

Position: Midfield

Age: 27

Appearances: 11

Goals: 4

Star Ratings: 6 

Red Cards: 0 

Yellow Cards: 0

Jack has been one of the finds of the season, a real ball playing midfielder which at times last season Boro were lacking in the absence of Ste Dunne.  A big strong lad with great creativity, should go on to be a mainstay in the Boro team.

Celebrity Lookalike: Owen Wilson

Position: Goalkeeper

Age: 33

Appearances: 5

Clean Sheets: 2

Star Ratings: 0

The giant keeper was one of the players of the season for Boro last year and kept a record number of clean sheets in the APFSCIL league in Boro's unbeaten Championship season.  The presence of Coxy has meant that the team has barely missed former Boro player Marlon Beresford between the sticks.  Used to work in a bar in Camden that was the home of Boro's cup final carnage but unfortunately now has an office job and has become a more respectable member of society.  Warms up even less than the manager.

If he was a Boro player, he would be: Mark Schwarzer

Position: Defender

Age: 25

Appearances: 0

Goals: 0

Star Ratings: 0

Paul Kell had a great cup winning season last year and made the right back spot his own.  Unfortunately, has gone off to touch in China for a year but will be back when he has run out of Boro songs to teach the Chinese kids.  Despite his small stature he is fearless in the tackle and has a great engine, will be a big miss for the Boro side this season.

If he was a Boro player, he would be: Tony McMahon 

Position: Midfielder

Age: Unknown

Appearances: 5

Goals: 4

Star Ratings:

Last years player of the year, the dynamic midfielder has it all, the engine, the determination, the ability and a real eye for goal.  His only achilles heel is that he likes a good whinge, so try and steer clear of him if things aren't going to plan.

If he was a Boro player, he would be: Juninho

Position: Defender

Age: 28

Appearances: 7 (1)

Goals: 0

Star Ratings: 8

Red Cards: 0

Yellow Cards: 0

Alex is a new signing this season and after a shaky start where he failed to turn up due to getting mullered in a park with a bottle of White Star, has upped his game.  The big strong defender is very good on the ball and deceptively quick for such a big lump.  One of the teams quiet man, goes about his job with ruthless efficiency

Celebrity Look-a-like: The BFG

Position: Midfield

Age: 25

Appearances: 13

Goals: 11

Star Ratings: 8

Red Cards: 0

Yellow Cards: 0

The effervescent hospital porter must frighten his patients to death when pushing them at pace around the hospital in their beds. His pace is a real asset to the team and Gutch has added assists to his goals so far this season and will be difficult to stop if he carries on this form.  Had his teeth knocked out in the David Baister cup final due to a nasty clash of heads but he's bounced straight back into it this season without a care.  Impossible to defend against on his day. 

If he was a Boro player, he would be: Anthony Ormerod

Position: Midfielder

Age: 18

Appearances: 1 (1)

Goals: 5

Star Ratings: 4

Red Cards: 0

Yellow Cards: 0

Fiery Jordan is the youngest player in the squad but you wouldn't be able to tell the way he runs around like he's just snorted a bag of amphetamines before each game.  Has embarked on a career in modeling and has perfected the angry 'Boro brow' look so will probably be on the catwalk soon enough or a winner of Stockton and Boro's next top model.   Always positive , quick and powerful for a lad of his age, chips in with a few assists and was one of the star man in last seasons David Baister cup win.  After last seasons jibes about his dodgy quiff, now religiously wears a baseball cap, usually with the tag still on for effect.  Makes the lads laugh when he shouts at the referee.

Celebrity Look-a-like: Vanilla Ice

Position: Centre Back

Age: 26

Appearances: 8 (2)

Goals: 0

Star Ratings:  6

Red Cards: 0

Yellow Cards: 0

Tom had a fantastic first season for Boro, growing in stature week after week and ending up with a handful of votes for Player of the Season. Good in the air and surprisingly nimble for someone 7’ tall, formed a great partnership at the back with skipper Matt Holian.  Spent the preseason in some far off land playing beach football with some 6 year olds to make himself look good.  If he laid off the all night partying could go on to be a Boro great.  Has dodgy hair, which doesn't complement his wirey frame, looks like a Scooby Doo Character.

Celebrity Look-a-like: Worzel Gummidge

Position: Goalkeeper

Age: 42

Appearances: 1

Clean Sheets: 1

Star Ratings: 0

Red Cards: 0

Yellow Cards: 0

Ex Boro keeper Marlon Beresford was one of the catalysts of Boro's rise from the ashes last season.  Despite his growing years, he is still as agile as ever and often stayed on his line instead of making an easy clearance just so he could save a one on one.  His reputation as a bit of a champagne Charlie he says isn't true but who could begrudge him it after the clean sheet in last years cup final won Boro the first trophy in their 36 year history.  Recently got a new job as part time goalkeeper coach at League Two Barnet as well as Potter Bar goalkeeper coach and running his own business, all this whilst turning out for the Mighty Reds.

If he was a Boro player, he would be: Umm... Marlon Beresford.

Position: GK / Defender / Midfielder / Striker

Age: 35

Appearances: 6 (6)

Goals : 7

Star Ratings: 0

Red Cards: 0

Yellow Cards:  1 

Player Manager Clarky is Boro’s BIGGEST fan. Literally. With more Boro gear than MFC retail, he spends his lonely nights in West Ealing, tucked under his Doriva duvet cover, reading his favourite book “Jan Fjortoft - the man behind the Airplane” for the 76th time.  Last season’s third top scorer despite his age, Clarky has the fleeting feet of Juninho in the body of Brian Deane. Big things are expected of MSS’s number 9 and he should be looking to challenge the scoring charts again.  A born winner who refuses to take defeat, the only thing that Clarky will enjoy more than lifting the trophy will be drinking the champagne out of it.

P.S. Don’t call him a Mackem.

If he was a Boro player he would be: Mark Viduka